Editing Loving Your Guy Without Losing Your Mind

My family was all packed up, ready to go to Telluride, Colorado, for a fantastic ski vacation. The car was filled with both baggage and kids, and I had just developed a final quick bathroom stop. I moved in the vehicle, buckled my seatbelt and were looking forward to catching up on some meaningful conversations with my husband, who was driving the vehicle.

We hadn't been on the road more than a few minutes while I noticed a problem was brewing. The problem? Even though I was obviously twisting over backward to be thoughtful-no drive-thru Starbucks, no unscheduled toilet stop, and so on-he did not appear to be thinking about my needs and feelings at all. He didn't ask if the air conditioner was too cold (it was actually fine). He did not give me a look at the map (it was tucked under his sun visor). Yet worst of all, he didn't ask me exactly what music I desired to listen to in the vehicle. Here's where the problem really began. It was clear that the only music we were listening to on the 18-hour road trip was his music. That could not sound like such a very bad thing, but allow me to provide a little bit of background.

Will loves old tunes. Doobie Brothers. Kenny Loggins. Toto. You get the idea. Even though I actually enjoyed those tunes in the Eighties, I might say that my taste has risen (or rather developed) as I have matured. I like some modern day rock. Some folk and blues. A little country. Christian music. Classical. Jazz. However the main point here is that as I have grown, my personal taste in music has changed-meanwhile as Will has grown, his essence in music has pretty much remained the same. Not to say I dislike the Doobies and Kenny, however I do not love them enough to hear them all the way to Telluride and that was exactly what has been happening.

To prepare for our big car journey, Will had purchased one of those iPod contraptions that hooks up to the car radio. Consequently, I was subjected to his '80s oldies for 2 entire days in the vehicle. My aim was to be a team player, so for the 1st 400 miles I simply attempted to talk over the Doobies or stay silently and listen to Will sing to the Doobies. However when I realized there was practically nothing on that iPod aside from the '80s music, I simply about went out of my mind! He did offer to permit me pick one of his CDs, but you must be able to guess what each and every CD in his holder looked like ... much more '80s music, of course.

I don't determine if it was dehydration from trying not to drink and request a potty stop or maybe demonic backmasking on those Doobie songs, but at the end of day one, I was a super-sulking mess. I hardly talked at all. I was near tears. I seemed ignored and alone and misunderstood. And the only think I kept thinking to myself was, Will is cornered in the past. He's stalled out. He cannot grow and learn to love some other music. My partner is musically retarded. This really is wrecking our relationship!

A stalled-out perspective

Although some of you might be thinking that I'm being overdramatic, I'll bet lots of you can relate. Possibly your partner isn't stuck in the 1980s, yet there's possibly something he does-or doesn't do-that has threatened to put you over the edge.

Perhaps he is stuck in past times because he insists on wearing the same boring clothes. You could buy him new clothes and secretly grab Hawaiian shirts out of his cabinet, yet still he won't make the fashion transition. Maybe it's about how he handles the finances-or his lack of handling them.

Or could it be that he looks stalled out spiritually? He spots you reading your Bible and going to Bible study or even joining [http://pageeasy.com/marriageadvice/ weekend getaways for couples] and he, alternatively, is quite happy to sit down on the couch and watch TV. He has no desire to go to church at all. Or perhaps he's not growing in the area of leading your family. The kids are in need of discipline and guidance, and he's not taking charge. His absence is making a hole of fatherly leadership in your ailing family.

All these scenarios can cause chaffing in the marriage. And while you may have a great attitude or be a group player for some time, sooner or later it all seems like too much and abruptly you break. You fall into a super-sulk, can not control this problem of stunted growth in your husband. He must be expanding. He must be growing. The lack of growth is killing you and mesmerizing your partnership. But, nothing appears to be happening.

Just what exactly do you do? You ask him to grow. You beg with him to grow. Lastly, you hound him to grow and then there's arguing and dissonance. You're upset. He's livid. As well as the marriage appears a mess.

But there is hope, my married friend, and it does have to do with growing. It has to do with growing to a brand new place, a much better place, a loving place. However the growing has to do with you. Now don't stiffen up-I've got a confession to make first.

Stuck in selfishness

In case you re-read the first several paragraphs of this article, you could notice something "brewing" between Will and me-something apart from the music issue. You might just see that in that particular situation, I made the decision to give to Will, however I was expecting something in exchange. First, I desired some reward for being so amiable. I quietly predicted that Will would attend to my needs and wants. And second, I wanted to be entertained by fascinating discussion, whilst Will was relying on the music to get him through the long drive.

As the miles and hours passed, I stayed silent. And That I grew increasingly more mad. I felt mistreated and entitled. My sulking converted into a stew of sympathy-for me! Poor me, I said to myself. Will is not thinking about me. Will is selfishly enjoying his old music, thinking only of himself. I am sitting down here battling this and thinking only of him. I am passive and quiet, letting him have his way and just what good does it do me? I'm doing what's right, while he does the wrong thing and he does not actually see. When I stared out the window viewing the scenery speed by, I spoken myself straight into believing that ever since I was right-Will must be wrong. And then I began the "What's Wrong with Will List" right there in the car.

Currently, obviously, you can see that my problem was me. Despite the fact that I was sure I was really religious and "other-centered," the actual truth is, it was all about me. Me as the thoughtful one. Me as the great sacrificer. Me as the sufferer. Me, me, me, Wah.

Okay, let us glance at the situation again: Who would need to experience growth? Me or Will? Oh, indeed, you see it clearly in my life, yet do you see it clearly in yours? Upsetting your husband and trying to change him because you view he's stalled out is a game for women of all ages who feel smug and superior-unable to see their own faults. (I'm wondering if when Will was driving he was thinking I needed to grow out of my super-sulking mess!)

Starting with self-evaluation

In Matthew 7:1-5, there is a telling passage for those who are overly critical. And in this case, let us apply it to wives who harp on and criticize their own husbands. Eugene Peterson's The Message paraphrases the verses in an eye-opening way. He writes:

Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults-unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, "Let me wash your face for you," when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor. That hurts. And surely accurate in my situation.

What about you? Is there a possibility that you've criticized your husband badly? Are there some zones in your marriage that result in fault-finding? If that's the case, it can change. Ask God to help you see or participating weekend getaways for couples.

The truth is that I was going insane because of my own thinking-it really wasn't anything Will was doing at all. The same might be true for you, as well. Attempt to look logically at your situation, and inquire God to assist you see clearly, to reveal any smug superiority that could be negatively affecting your attitude toward your husband. Stunted growth is very subjective oftentimes and unless it's actually causing you or even your children mental or physical harm, it is likely that it's more your problem than your husband's.

So consider moving past your husband's litany of stunted growth, and instead pray for forgiveness for any contempt you may have for him. And you could pray for me, too-that I'll begin to love Will more as I "listen to the music."